Apocalypse A-Go-Go

A New Contributor

2009-10-16T15:58:00.000-07:00

by Rogue

We have just added a new contributor: The one and only

This guy has been writing about apocalypse preparedness for some time.

Actually, we only got him to join because he writes more than we do, and we suckered him into posting all of his old posts here.

He's a bit of a wussy, really. I don't think he'd last five minutes in the aftermath, even in his armored dune buggy.

Tai Chi Zombie Fighting

2009-10-16T15:08:00.001-07:00

by Jonty
Originally posted on Jonty City

I've been thinking a lot about the zombie apocalypse idea, and what it would take to survive. (The slow "Brains" kind of zombie. If we get the "28 Weeks Later" kind, we're f-ed.)

Obviously, the big issue is not getting infected, so blades are a sucky idea. And they will keep on coming until they physically cannot move anymore. So we need martial arts. Sophisticated martial arts.

The most sophisticated martial art on the planet, I'm told, is Tai Chi. It's practiced very slowly, so no one who practices it actually knows how to fight anything other than a sports replay. That's okay for us, because zombies are slow!

Just think about it.

I'm Cheating on my Wife...

2009-10-16T14:54:00.000-07:00

by Jonty
Originally posted on Jonty City

Every fourth weekend, I leave town. my wife thinks I'm in the Army Reserves. Actually, I'm driving to Watauga Lake and working on my raft.

Basically, I can foresee three basic post-apocalyptic worlds:

1) A hellish, post-nuclear holocaust world somewhat like Barstow

2) Escaping to outer space and searching for a new homeworld

and

3) Waterworld.

I'm really doing this for my wife. I don't think she'd survive the first two options.

Darn This International Helium Shortage!

2009-10-16T14:50:00.000-07:00

by Jonty
Originally posted on Jonty City

I have mentioned in a past blog how important I think dirigibles will be in the future, but we have hit a snag.

There is a worldwide helium shortage.

Apparently almost all of the world's helium comes from a 250-square-mile area around Amarillo, Texas. It is produced over a period of billions of years when natural gas hangs around uranium and thorium. If you don't carefully catch it during the natural gas extraction, it immediately books it for the stratosphere, never to be seen again.

It is estimated that we will run completely out of helium some time before the end of this century.

The U.S. government has a vast stockpile of it -- about 32 billion cubic feet of it -- but they are selling it off like crazy, even though they need it themselves. NASA needs about 75 million cubic feet of it each year, and they're having trouble keeping it in stock.

So what am I supposed to use in my post-apocalyptic dirigible? Hydrogen? Not likely with cannibalistic mutants shooting flintlocks at me.

More Fans of Blowing up the Moon

2009-10-15T19:10:00.000-07:00

by Jonty
Originally posted on Jonty City

C. Van Carter has also expressed support for blowing up the moon.

See it here. He is brilliant.

Remember your Evil Robot Insurance

2009-10-13T07:00:00.000-07:00

by Jonty
Originally posted on Jonty City

If the robots really do take over, be sure to have Evil Robot Insurance.

The Robot Takeover Has Already Started... in Sweden.

2009-10-12T07:00:00.000-07:00

by Jonty
Originally posted on Jonty City

I recently wrote about a possible robot takeover of civilization as an option for the http://jontycity.blogspot.com/search/label/Post-apocalypse. Today, I discovered that it has already started. In Sweden?

Apparently, a giant rock-moving robot grabbed its repairman by the head and tried to snap him like a Slim Jim.

My guess is that he was heading towards the wiring mistake that was the cause of its sentience. Like in the Short Circuit movies.

That was a great movie. Perhaps I'll review it soon.

I Forgot an Apocalypse!

2009-10-11T15:42:00.000-07:00

by Jonty
Originally posted on Jonty City

Oh my god, I completely forgot a whole category of apocalypses:

Robot Takeover.

It's so obvious. Thank goodness we have Keanu Reeves to save us with his lame computer kung-fu.

Choose Your Apocalypse...Online!

2009-09-25T17:14:00.000-07:00

by Jonty
Originally posted on Jonty City

This is it, folks. The apocalypse watch has gone interactive:
http://sdn.slate.com/features/endofamerica/default.htm

The Blob...

2009-07-19T11:16:00.000-07:00

by Jonty
Originally posted on Jonty City

Kudzu Bob sent me a scary link.

Do you remember the end of the classic movie "The Blob"? (The original, not the crummy 80's remake.)

They eventually defeated The Blob by freezing it and shipping it off to The South Pole, where it will remain frozen forever, right?

Wrong! Here's the thing. The government always covers its tracks by forcing Hollywood to make cheesy movies about all the scary stuff that really happens. In other words, The Blob actually happened, and anyone who says so looks crazy because of the movie.

Now, the polar ice caps are melting, and... guess what? The Blob is on the move.

Scientists have observed it off the coast of Alaska.

Here's the original article. The author seems to think we had Blu-ray in 1958, but other than that, it's good:
http://www.sciencebuzz.org/blog/blob-returns-call-mcqueen-get-your-fire-extinguishers-prepa

Tiny Sheep in the Apocalypse

2009-07-06T18:55:00.000-07:00

by Jonty
Originally posted on Jonty City

Well, I was going to have my lovely wife raise sheep while I tool around in my armored dune buggy / dirigible, but it looks like that's out.

According to the BBC, the climate change is making sheep shrink.

Maybe she'll have to raise giant mutant voles, or something. At least until she's killed by the cannibalistic mutants to give my anti-hero character motivation.

The Tower King

2009-07-05T06:23:00.000-07:00

by Jonty
Originally posted on Jonty City

I just realized that I forgot an important element of post-apocalyptica:

The Future Steampunk World.

In this world, electricity has ceased to be available, due to microwaves or something.

There was a great comic strip in the 80's called "The Tower King," in which the U.S. Space Program causes the end of electricity (It's a plot contrivance. Just go with it.)

THOSE WE LEFT BEHIND has a bunch of pages of it here.

My armored dune buggy will be of no use in this future. I may have to build a steam-powered tank.

Post-Apocalyptic Furniture

2009-07-04T18:17:00.000-07:00

by Jonty
Originally posted on Jonty City

Check this out:

http://dornob.com/futuristic-furniture-post-apocalyptic-interior-design-idea/

I can't wait for the apocalypse!

The B.O.B.

2009-07-03T16:40:00.000-07:00

The most important piece of equipment in your preparation for the aftermath is your B.O.B., or "Bug-Out Bag."

This is a bag containing all the stuff you'll need in the short term to survive. Traditionally, this is something that you would have if you were likely to be chased by the cops, the C.I.A., or that nasty lady from the library collections department. We're going to use it to git the heck out of town fast.

It should contain:

Enough food and water to last for seventy two hours. This includes:
- 4 litres (1 gallon) of water per person per day, for washing, drinking and cooking.
- Non-perishable food.^[12]
- water purification supplies.
- Cooking supplies.^[13]
- Cutlery and cups/dishes.
A first aid kit.^[14]
A disaster plan including location of emergency centers, rallying points, possible evacuation routes etc.
Professional emergency literature explaining what to do in various types of disaster, studied and understood before the actual disaster but kept for reference.
Maps and travel information.^[15]
Standard camping equipment, including sanitation supplies.^[16]
Clothes and bedding.
Enough medicine to last an extended evacuation period if, for example, one's home were destroyed.
Pet, child and elderly care needs.^[17]
Radio.^[18]
Lighting (battery or crank operated flashlight, glow sticks).^[19]
Firearm(s) and appropriate ammunition, depending on local laws.
Crowbar (offensive weapon, building and vehicle entry, etc.)
Cash and change, as electronic banking transactions may not be available during the initial period following an emergency or evacuation.
Fixed-blade knife.

Other details will depend on what kind of apocalypse you are facing. Here's a useful video about zombie apocalypse B.O.B.'s:

It's from Zombie Squad. It also includes helpful hints for how to imitate zombies when necessary.

Petition to Blow up the Moon

2009-06-30T19:29:00.000-07:00

by Jonty
Originally posted on Jonty City

Kudzu Bob has sent me an exciting link. Apparently I'm not the only one who wants NASA to blow up the moon:

http://www.petitiononline.com/156840/petition.html

Sign on today!

2009-06-30T06:59:00.001-07:00

From Rogue

How is the world as we know it going to end? You need to be ready for any of them.

This guy has created a starter list of apocalyptic scenarios that we may face. I'm going to add a seventh scenario to his list: Alien Invasion.

Here's my new list:

1) Desert Environment
2) Flooded Planet Environment
3) Frozen Planet Environment
4) Chemical Wasteland Environment ("Ah, chem.")
5) Alien Invasion
6) Zombie Apocalypse
7) The Rapture
8) Socioeconomic Collapse
9) Fascist/Commie Takeover
10) Planet Blows Up

We're going to be here to prepare you. Stay tuned.

NASA Planning to Blow Up the Moon!

2009-06-27T16:23:00.000-07:00

by Jonty
Originally posted on Jonty City

NASA is apparently planning to fire Centaur missiles at the moon.

http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=nasas-mission-to-bomb-the-moon-2009-06

I guess they didn't watch the last movie version of H.G. Wells' "The Time Machine."
That's how the world-as-we-know-it ends: Blowing up the moon.

Here's another fun fact: They are claiming that this act is part of possible future plans to colonize the moon. That's why they were detonating explosives in the movie.

Perhaps they are preparing for democracy on the moon: The government's current democracy procedures seem to require bombing the hell out of places first.

I wonder which post-apocalyptic scenario this will lead to: "Barstow" and "Waterworld" seem likely, but "Space, 1999" may also be an option.

I've disliked NASA ever since they brought AIDS back from outer space, but they're growing on me.

The Rapture

2009-06-21T10:46:00.000-07:00

by Jonty
Originally posted on Jonty City

Okay, here's another post-apocalyptic scenario that Kudzu Bob mentioned to me:

6) The Rapture.

Basically, all the good Baptists suddenly vanish, leaving piles of suspenders and floral-print muumuus lying around everywhere The rest of us will be Left Behind to deal with such terrible consequences such as peace in the Middle East and the financial collapse of Golden Corral.

Well, we have quite a nice list going:

1) Barstow-like post-nuclear world (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mad_Max)

2) Earth blows up, we go looking for a new homeworld (Space, 1999)

3) Polar ice caps melt, somehow producing enough water to flood the entire planet (Waterworld)

4) Zombie apocalypse (Dawn of the Dead)

5) The Rapture (A Thief in the Night)

6) The world just keeps going the way it is now, and sucks worse. I have to pay off my credit card debt. (Soylent Green)

I moved the last one from 5 to 6 because it's my least favorite.

Goodbye, Styrofoam Raft.

2009-06-21T10:18:00.000-07:00

by Jonty
Originally posted on Jonty City

Kudzu Bob has once again saved me a load of heartache. I have been mentioning recently that my rafting plans have gone awry, leaving me with emotional trauma and a bunch of littering fines.

Kudzu Bob kindly pointed out that Styrofoam makes fantastic napalm. I can use it in my armored dune buggy.

It's also light. I'll bet I can strap a whole mass of it onto my dune buggy, and prepare it when I need it.

Best of all, there'll be plenty of it just lying around in the aftermath.

Comic Apocalypse

2009-06-19T19:46:00.000-07:00

by Jonty
Originally posted on Jonty City

One very real early symptom of the coming apocalypse is the slow death of the independent comic. For years, these little gems have shone in the darkness of the sucky syndicated comics such Family Circus (Don't get me started on Family Circus), but they are often the first thing to disappear from independent newspapers when the economy flops.

Ask your local free indy paper to pick up one of these great comics. Here is my favorite. (I have no financial connection)

http://www.redmeat.com/redmeat/

Heart-wrenching Honesty

2009-06-19T16:14:00.000-07:00

by Jonty
Originally posted on Jonty City

In a recent post, I added a fourth possible post-apocalyptic scenario: Zombie apocalypse. I'm not going to talk about that one today.

I'm going to be honest. There is a future scenario that I haven't listed here: The Future That Will Suck.

In this scenario, our First-World hayride is over, and in the future we will struggle to pay our mortgages and buy gas, and we will stand in lines a lot hoping for fresh food.

Even worse, you will only be able to get strawberries when they are in season locally.

And I'll have to keep paying off my car. I can't take it.

Post-Apocalyptic Scenario 4

2009-06-19T15:55:00.000-07:00

by Jonty
Originally posted on Jonty City

In a recent post, I included this list of possible post-apocalyptic scenarios:

1) Post-nuclear desert rather like Barstow

2) Earth blows up or otherwise becomes uninhabitable; we float around in space looking for a new homeworld

and

3) The polar icecaps melt and we live on rafts, like in the movie Waterworld.

Kudzu Bob posted that I had forgotten one of the most important scenarios: 4) Zombie apocalypse.

He's right. I haven't included the zombie scenario because I'm not prepared for it. I've been spending all my time on the raft and the armored dune buggy, and I just don't have enough time left over for the shotguns or the chainsaws, etc. That planning would entail. I promise I will work to rectify this as soon as I'm able. Money is tight since I lost my job as a chicken sexer, and my wife is constantly on to me to quit messing around with flamethrower plans, so I have to keep my head down. Thank goodness she doesn't know about my blog.

Rafting Woes

2009-06-18T17:09:00.000-07:00

by Jonty
Originally posted on Jonty City

I mentioned in a previous post that I'm secretly building a raft to survive the possible Waterworld-like post-apocalyptic scenario. I've been having some problems.

I have been building the raft near Watauga Lake, which I'm told is the second cleanest lake in the U.S. (That's part of the problem: More later on that.)

When I attempted a launch last weekend, I discovered a few flaws.

1) I've been building the base of the raft out of Styrofoam packing crates. When I launched the raft, I discovered that all the individual pieces started rubbing together. I hate the noise of Styrofoam rubbing together. It's like my own personal fingernails-on-chalkboard.

2) It turns out that modeling glue melts Styrofoam. Who knew? It's called polystyrene cement. Isn't that also the chemical name for Styrofoam?

3) The state has severe anti-dumping laws in its parks, and the park rangers don't appreciate the sight of fifty-four Styrofoam crates floating around in their lake. I tried to explain that I wasn't dumping, and that I had every intention of collecting the debris of my raft, but power often makes people blind to progress.

It may be a few days before I can post again. I'll have to pick up more shifts at the citrus farm to pay off the hefty fines imposed upon me.

I'm not giving up on the raft idea yet. Failure is seen as a sign of growth for us geniuses. I will keep you all posted in the future.

In The Future, My Gas Will Come From Uranus

2009-06-14T16:06:00.000-07:00

by Jonty
Originally posted on Jonty City

In a previous blog entry, I lamented the permanent shortage of helium on the planet Earth, which will interfere with my plans for dirigible-based transport.

Don't give up hope, my dear friends! There is a solution. Space.

Apparently, there is a lot of helium in the Moon (Or is it The Moon? I'm terrible at title case.) and on other planets such as (no jokes, please) Uranus. All we have to do is get it.

The problems that I foresee are:

1) If you fill a spaceship with helium, how do you land it?

2) Space travel takes a long time and is boring. How do you stop the crew from wasting helium making funny voices for each other on the return trip?

3) How do you stop NASA and Burt Rutan from monopolizing the Helium supply? Let's face it: We can't trust NASA, not after they brought AIDS back from outer space.

I was driving back from my job as a citrus fruit colorer in Barstow last night, trying to think of a solution to these problems, but nothing came to me. I may have to stick with the armored dune buggy or the raft.

Darn This International Helium Shortage!

2009-06-09T18:09:00.000-07:00

A Boy and His Dog

2009-06-09T17:17:00.000-07:00

by Jonty
Originally posted on Jonty City

In reply to my post about my wife not being suited to the post-apocalyptic aftermath, Kudzu Bob sent me a link to a website that allows you to watchf the classic 1975 sci-fi movie A Boy and His Dog in its entirety.

If you've never seen it, it's worth watching, especially if you're a fan of the very talented Don Johnson.

This is a true science fiction classic which tells the tale of a boy, his libido, and his dog in a post-apocalyptic world short on ladies.

No dirigibles, sadly, but there is a marching band and a fat robot dressed like Tom Sawyer.

My Wife Probably Won't Survive in The Post-Apocalyptic World

2009-06-07T14:19:00.000-07:00

by Jonty
Originally posted on Jonty City

I'm beginning to think that my wife isn't cut out to live in the post-apocalyptic world I'm hoping for.

For a start, she's not very tough physically. The rigors of radioactive desert terrain would be too much for her.

Secondly, she's a bit of a germophobe. How can we live in a secret cabin built from the remains of a Boeing 747 if she can't drink out of a glass of water after she's found a cat hair in it?

Thirdly, she really likes showers. She sometimes takes two a day. That's fine now, but when we're living in a Barstow-like environment, I'm going to have to fight mohawked cannibals just to get drinking water. Forget showers.

The most important reason is that she's really, really sweet. According to the B-grade movies I'm basing my vision of the future on, she's almost guaranteed to die in the opening act, providing me with a motive of revenge for the rest of the movie.

I'm sure going to miss her.

The Apocalypse, Finally

2009-06-06T17:12:00.000-07:00

by Jonty
Originally posted on Jonty City

I mentioned in a past blog entry that I’m anxiously awaiting the post-apocalyptic world that I was promised as a teenager. I’ve been getting more and more discouraged about it happening in my lifetime.

Today writer and radio host extraordinaire Kenneth Stevens sent me a link to this article:

http://www.humanevents.com/article.php?id=32152

Huzzah, I say! The government has been working hard all this time to create the future world that I so long for. Apparently, it’s only a matter of time before the U.S. completely collapses into a collection of warring states, much like the former Soviet Union.

I hereby apologize to the government administrations that I have doubted.

BRING BACK THE DIRIGIBLE, I DECLARE!

2009-05-09T17:08:00.000-07:00

by Jonty
Originally posted on Jonty City

You may think I've been sucking on helium-3, but just think about it:

Dirigibles use tiny amounts of fuel. A well-designed dirigible can go for 6,000 miles without stopping to refuel.

Dirigibles can carry incredibly heavy payloads. Dirigibles are currently being used on some desert construction sites to move payloads that the ground equipment cannot budge. Also, it takes no more fuel to carry more weight.

Dirigibles are much faster than you think. Okay, maybe not as fast as a truck driver strung out on uppers and Mountain Dew, but they can cruise at about 45 mph. The army has one that can do 80.

"What about hurricanes?" I hear you protest. Well, theoretically dirigibles could be safer in hurricane conditions than land vehicles because it would be really hard to get a flying dirigible into a hurricane, whereas a truck driver strung out on uppers and Mountain Dew might drive right into the storm before realizing that he's not hallucinating it.

"Don't dirigibles explode?" you may ask. Not when they're filled with helium. Also, they can take a surprising amount of damage without farting through the sky like an untied balloon.

All this is a vital part of my plans for the future. When I'm not scouring the post-apocalyptic aftermath in my armored dune buggy, I could be sailing high above the landscape in my dirigible wearing leather goggles and spying on the cannibals. Just try and shoot me! I'll fly above the range of your flintlock rifles and drop hand-made petrol bombs on you all.

WHERE IS MY POST-APOCALYPTIC AFTERMATH?

2009-05-06T15:23:00.000-07:00

by Jonty
Originally posted on Jonty City

When I was in high school, I watched a lot of B-grade science fiction movies on late-night cable. These movies virtually promised me that by this point in my life I would be driving an armored dune buggy through a post-apocalyptic aftermath that looks a lot like the area around Barstow, escaping from mohawked cannibals as I search for more fuel.
Where is the world that I was promised? I have the dune buggy. I've been working on the grizzled and slightly sinister looks and hairstyle that the lead male requires. But no dice.
Instead, I am forced to spend the best years of my life paying off my Ford Focus and eating breakfast burritos on the way to my job talking on the phone in a cloth-covered office cubicle.

I WANT MY POST-APOCALYPTIC AFTERMATH.