Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Petition to Blow up the Moon

by Jonty
Originally posted on Jonty City

Kudzu Bob has sent me an exciting link. Apparently I'm not the only one who wants NASA to blow up the moon:


Sign on today!
From Rogue

How is the world as we know it going to end? You need to be ready for any of them.

This guy has created a starter list of apocalyptic scenarios that we may face. I'm going to add a seventh scenario to his list: Alien Invasion.

Here's my new list:

1) Desert Environment
2) Flooded Planet Environment
3) Frozen Planet Environment
4) Chemical Wasteland Environment ("Ah, chem.")
5) Alien Invasion
6) Zombie Apocalypse
7) The Rapture
8) Socioeconomic Collapse
9) Fascist/Commie Takeover
10) Planet Blows Up

We're going to be here to prepare you. Stay tuned.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

NASA Planning to Blow Up the Moon!

by Jonty
Originally posted on Jonty City

NASA is apparently planning to fire Centaur missiles at the moon.


I guess they didn't watch the last movie version of H.G. Wells' "The Time Machine."
That's how the world-as-we-know-it ends: Blowing up the moon.

Here's another fun fact: They are claiming that this act is part of possible future plans to colonize the moon. That's why they were detonating explosives in the movie.

Perhaps they are preparing for democracy on the moon: The government's current democracy procedures seem to require bombing the hell out of places first.

I wonder which post-apocalyptic scenario this will lead to: "Barstow" and "Waterworld" seem likely, but "Space, 1999" may also be an option.

I've disliked NASA ever since they brought AIDS back from outer space, but they're growing on me.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

The Rapture

by Jonty
Originally posted on Jonty City

Okay, here's another post-apocalyptic scenario that Kudzu Bob mentioned to me:

6) The Rapture.

Basically, all the good Baptists suddenly vanish, leaving piles of suspenders and floral-print muumuus lying around everywhere The rest of us will be Left Behind to deal with such terrible consequences such as peace in the Middle East and the financial collapse of Golden Corral.

Well, we have quite a nice list going:

1) Barstow-like post-nuclear world (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mad_Max)

2) Earth blows up, we go looking for a new homeworld (Space, 1999)

3) Polar ice caps melt, somehow producing enough water to flood the entire planet (Waterworld)

4) Zombie apocalypse (Dawn of the Dead)

5) The Rapture (A Thief in the Night)

6) The world just keeps going the way it is now, and sucks worse. I have to pay off my credit card debt. (Soylent Green)

I moved the last one from 5 to 6 because it's my least favorite.

Goodbye, Styrofoam Raft.

by Jonty
Originally posted on Jonty City

Kudzu Bob has once again saved me a load of heartache. I have been mentioning recently that my rafting plans have gone awry, leaving me with emotional trauma and a bunch of littering fines.

Kudzu Bob kindly pointed out that Styrofoam makes fantastic napalm. I can use it in my armored dune buggy.

It's also light. I'll bet I can strap a whole mass of it onto my dune buggy, and prepare it when I need it.

Best of all, there'll be plenty of it just lying around in the aftermath.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Comic Apocalypse

by Jonty
Originally posted on Jonty City

One very real early symptom of the coming apocalypse is the slow death of the independent comic. For years, these little gems have shone in the darkness of the sucky syndicated comics such Family Circus (Don't get me started on Family Circus), but they are often the first thing to disappear from independent newspapers when the economy flops.

Ask your local free indy paper to pick up one of these great comics. Here is my favorite. (I have no financial connection)


Heart-wrenching Honesty

by Jonty
Originally posted on Jonty City

In a recent post, I added a fourth possible post-apocalyptic scenario: Zombie apocalypse. I'm not going to talk about that one today.

I'm going to be honest. There is a future scenario that I haven't listed here: The Future That Will Suck.

In this scenario, our First-World hayride is over, and in the future we will struggle to pay our mortgages and buy gas, and we will stand in lines a lot hoping for fresh food.

Even worse, you will only be able to get strawberries when they are in season locally.

And I'll have to keep paying off my car. I can't take it.

Post-Apocalyptic Scenario 4

by Jonty
Originally posted on Jonty City

In a recent post, I included this list of possible post-apocalyptic scenarios:

1) Post-nuclear desert rather like Barstow

2) Earth blows up or otherwise becomes uninhabitable; we float around in space looking for a new homeworld


3) The polar icecaps melt and we live on rafts, like in the movie Waterworld.

Kudzu Bob posted that I had forgotten one of the most important scenarios: 4) Zombie apocalypse.

He's right. I haven't included the zombie scenario because I'm not prepared for it. I've been spending all my time on the raft and the armored dune buggy, and I just don't have enough time left over for the shotguns or the chainsaws, etc. That planning would entail. I promise I will work to rectify this as soon as I'm able. Money is tight since I lost my job as a chicken sexer, and my wife is constantly on to me to quit messing around with flamethrower plans, so I have to keep my head down. Thank goodness she doesn't know about my blog.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Rafting Woes

by Jonty
Originally posted on Jonty City

I mentioned in a previous post that I'm secretly building a raft to survive the possible Waterworld-like post-apocalyptic scenario. I've been having some problems.

I have been building the raft near Watauga Lake, which I'm told is the second cleanest lake in the U.S. (That's part of the problem: More later on that.)

When I attempted a launch last weekend, I discovered a few flaws.

1) I've been building the base of the raft out of Styrofoam packing crates. When I launched the raft, I discovered that all the individual pieces started rubbing together. I hate the noise of Styrofoam rubbing together. It's like my own personal fingernails-on-chalkboard.

2) It turns out that modeling glue melts Styrofoam. Who knew? It's called polystyrene cement. Isn't that also the chemical name for Styrofoam?

3) The state has severe anti-dumping laws in its parks, and the park rangers don't appreciate the sight of fifty-four Styrofoam crates floating around in their lake. I tried to explain that I wasn't dumping, and that I had every intention of collecting the debris of my raft, but power often makes people blind to progress.

It may be a few days before I can post again. I'll have to pick up more shifts at the citrus farm to pay off the hefty fines imposed upon me.

I'm not giving up on the raft idea yet. Failure is seen as a sign of growth for us geniuses. I will keep you all posted in the future.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

In The Future, My Gas Will Come From Uranus

by Jonty
Originally posted on Jonty City

In a previous blog entry, I lamented the permanent shortage of helium on the planet Earth, which will interfere with my plans for dirigible-based transport.

Don't give up hope, my dear friends! There is a solution. Space.

Apparently, there is a lot of helium in the Moon (Or is it The Moon? I'm terrible at title case.) and on other planets such as (no jokes, please) Uranus. All we have to do is get it.

The problems that I foresee are:

1) If you fill a spaceship with helium, how do you land it?

2) Space travel takes a long time and is boring. How do you stop the crew from wasting helium making funny voices for each other on the return trip?

3) How do you stop NASA and Burt Rutan from monopolizing the Helium supply? Let's face it: We can't trust NASA, not after they brought AIDS back from outer space.

I was driving back from my job as a citrus fruit colorer in Barstow last night, trying to think of a solution to these problems, but nothing came to me. I may have to stick with the armored dune buggy or the raft.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Darn This International Helium Shortage!

by Jonty
Originally posted on Jonty City

I have mentioned in a past blog how important I think dirigibles will be in the future, but we have hit a snag.

There is a worldwide helium shortage.

Apparently almost all of the world's helium comes from a 250-square-mile area around Amarillo, Texas. It is produced over a period of billions of years when natural gas hangs around uranium and thorium. If you don't carefully catch it during the natural gas extraction, it immediately books it for the stratosphere, never to be seen again.

It is estimated that we will run completely out of helium some time before the end of this century.

The U.S. government has a vast stockpile of it -- about 32 billion cubic feet of it -- but they are selling it off like crazy, even though they need it themselves. NASA needs about 75 million cubic feet of it each year, and they're having trouble keeping it in stock.

So what am I supposed to use in my post-apocalyptic dirigible? Hydrogen? Not likely with cannibalistic mutants shooting flintlocks at me.

A Boy and His Dog

by Jonty
Originally posted on Jonty City

In reply to my post about my wife not being suited to the post-apocalyptic aftermath, Kudzu Bob sent me a link to a website that allows you to watchf the classic 1975 sci-fi movie A Boy and His Dog in its entirety.

If you've never seen it, it's worth watching, especially if you're a fan of the very talented Don Johnson.

This is a true science fiction classic which tells the tale of a boy, his libido, and his dog in a post-apocalyptic world short on ladies.

No dirigibles, sadly, but there is a marching band and a fat robot dressed like Tom Sawyer.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

My Wife Probably Won't Survive in The Post-Apocalyptic World

by Jonty
Originally posted on Jonty City

I'm beginning to think that my wife isn't cut out to live in the post-apocalyptic world I'm hoping for.

For a start, she's not very tough physically. The rigors of radioactive desert terrain would be too much for her.

Secondly, she's a bit of a germophobe. How can we live in a secret cabin built from the remains of a Boeing 747 if she can't drink out of a glass of water after she's found a cat hair in it?

Thirdly, she really likes showers. She sometimes takes two a day. That's fine now, but when we're living in a Barstow-like environment, I'm going to have to fight mohawked cannibals just to get drinking water. Forget showers.

The most important reason is that she's really, really sweet. According to the B-grade movies I'm basing my vision of the future on, she's almost guaranteed to die in the opening act, providing me with a motive of revenge for the rest of the movie.

I'm sure going to miss her.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

The Apocalypse, Finally

by Jonty
Originally posted on Jonty City

I mentioned in a past blog entry that I’m anxiously awaiting the post-apocalyptic world that I was promised as a teenager. I’ve been getting more and more discouraged about it happening in my lifetime.

Today writer and radio host extraordinaire Kenneth Stevens sent me a link to this article:


Huzzah, I say! The government has been working hard all this time to create the future world that I so long for. Apparently, it’s only a matter of time before the U.S. completely collapses into a collection of warring states, much like the former Soviet Union.

I hereby apologize to the government administrations that I have doubted.